Innocence

I am co-dependent. I know this and understand it. Being this way, well, causes some problems.

I wish I was the type of person who could just say, “F U” and walk away. I certainly am treated like I’m that type of person, but I just find it hard to do it. That causes problems because people who use, abuse, and confuse people like me take advantage of it to the extreme.

I had hoped that leaving would have caused a huge, un-repairable rift. It didn’t. What it did do is allow me to become abused further.

And now my user wants me to come back. And I’m considering it.

Everything is different when there’s no crisis occurring. That makes it easy to forget all the other things: the violence, the abuse, the cheating, the inconveniences.

How bad do I want my life back?

An Update

I haven’t been around for some time.  I apologize for this.  Also, thanks to everyone for their kind words and well wishes.  They mean a lot to me and this is a surprisingly difficult time to get through, believe it or not.

So, let’s see what’s been happening.

I have my apartment.  It’s nice.  There’s not as much space as I’m used to, but that’s all right because it’s mine.  I can come home without worrying about meeting a drunk.  I can watch what I want, do what I want… or not do, without being made to do anything.  It’s nice.  But it’s lonely.

So, I ended up going to the Soon-to-be-Ex’s an awful lot.  Including on several bad nights that included heavy drinking, suicide threats, violence, and the usual fun stuff that goes along with it.

I haven’t been keeping up with Turmoil Within for that reason.  I haven’t had a lot of time.  My fault, though.  I kept myself going up there, giving in to threats and demands.

The reason why I’m not there now is because I’m angry.  We had a talk.  A sober talk and I was told some pretty unpleasant, nasty things about myself.  Things that weren’t true.  I wasn’t allowed to talk in my defense.  I wasn’t allowed to do anything but sit there and take it.

And that’s when I remembered who I am.  I rembered who I used to be.  Living in an abusive relationship for over five years had slowly stripped away everthing that I had been.

After talking to people who have also been in relationships with users and abusers I noticed that there are a number of similar personality traits.  Traits that can be seen and picked up on before any danger is done.  I wish I had known of them before, but living is about learning.

• Addictive personalities are great liars.  They can spin yarns that sound good on the surface, but once you begin picking at the strands they lose all validity.  But that doesn’t stop them from lieing.   You can confront them with absolute proof, but they’ll just keep changing their story to make it fit.
• They’re all about themselves.  Everything is about them.  If you’re in an argument about something, it’s you who are always putting them down — even if you aren’t.  If they buy you a gift, a selfless act, then you’re not appreciable enough.  They forget what you’ve done during a relationship.  They get drunk or high and start the self-pity machine.
• Everything is someone elses fault.  They didn’t lose their job because they were drunk, they lost it because the boss is an asshole.  You didn’t leave them because of their using, you left because you’re having an affair with someone.  They are not in dire straits because they mismanage money, it’s because you’re not paying your share.

These are hard things to deal with when you’re in a relationship with someone.  It’s draining.   I am always tired.  Always.  It doesn’t matter if I sleep eight hours a night; when I wake up I’m exhausted.  I imagine I will be for some time now.  I’m still half in this situation, but that will change in time.  I believe I will feel more alive as more time passes.

If  you’re reading this and already in a situation then you have my sympathy.  I’ve been in it and still going through it.  I hope you find your path, too.  And I think you’ll need to do that, too, because I have lost faith that there’s a chance for these types of people to change.  That may be unfair and there’s probably people who have changed, kind of.  Maybe they quit drinking or drugs, but does the mind set ever change?  The personality?  I’m not so sure.

If you’re reading this because you’re not sure if the person you’re with is an alcoholic or drug user then keep an eye on their actions.  See if they always push their responsibilities off to you.  Do you find yourself always doing the chores around the house? Taking care of the kids?  Is everything you do not up to par, or done incorrectly, but you still have to do them anyway?  Keep an eye on yourself and always protect yourself.  Don’t take shit from anyone if it isn’t deserved.

Still Busy

Hi everyone,

I am moved and on my own.  Except for working on getting the other half moved into their new place, anyway.

It took a total of four days of me not being there before my wife went ahead and brought a new man to stay over night.  Very nice of her.  I guess I wasn’t worth much at all, really.

And yet, she still calls me every day for shit.

The End Has Come

I decided to stop living in fear and apprehension.  In fact I took my own advice and moved out.  Unfortunately, things are going to be pretty tough for the first month or so.

On the other hand, it’s awfully nice to not have to worry about being yelled at, insulted, having my stuff broken, and told how badly my other half needs a divorce.

The End of All Things

I believe this may be it.  Another lie, another night out drinking.

I was called by a bar, way out of the normal radius of operation, and told I had to go there to pick up my spouse.  I did.

I tried to be cheerful, to show there were no hard feelings.  I was verbally and mentall abused for it.

I tried to convince spouse to leave.  Another person, sitting next to my spouse, said something and got a fist in the face for it.  I’m not kidding.  Spouse just hauled off and belted him.  The police were not called, but we were told to leave.

I got the spouse in the car and got a stoplight when they decided they were fine to drive (no, not really) and jumped out of the car.  I had to close the passenger side door and turn around, but I didn’t see them.  I went through the parking lot, back into the bar we just left.  I drove around for 30 minutes but didn’t see anybody.  So I went back home.

Then I got a call from the police saying they found my spouse laying in the grass.  Then it all got “normal” from there.

Tired of this.  So tired.

I am so done with this crap.  If I’m around tomorrow I’ll post more, but I have a suspicion that I’ll be spending my day moving.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Still Around

I’m still around.  Still in a bad situation.  I’ve just been busy lately with one thing and the other.  I’ve been very neglectful

The Knotted Stomach

Everything was going fine yesterday.  Work was fine and I was doing my thing.  Then my spouse called.  After a few minutes of listening to nonsense my spouse decides that we should go out to eat.

Instantly, my day crashed.  I had knots in my stomach.  I felt chilled and ill.  I was even angry and nothing had happened yet.

My friends, this is how I know I’m broken.  Broken and ruined.  I should be ecstatic about going to dinner with my loved one and leaving the kids behind with a sitter, even for only a few hours.  Instead, I panic.  I worry.  I feel like I’d rather be anywhere else in the world.

At the restaurant, I couldn’t look at them.  I resented the fact that there was a bar there.  I knew that when we were asked what we wanted to drink the first thing said at the table would be an alcoholic beverage.

I spent the entire evening being angry and it was, in the end, for nothing.  Nothing horrible happened.  No police, no fights, no anything.

But this is not any way to live a life.  One should be happy to spend time with your wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend.  It’s something you should look forward to, not feel nervous and panicky because you’re afraid of what will happen.

I’m too old to live like this.

I need time for me.

Break Out The Gorilla Suit – It’s Friday

The spouse has been gone for a couple of days on a business trip.  I wish they were more frequent because I enjoy the time away.  Even though I have to take care of the house, the kids, make meals and work it always feels like I’m on a kind of vacation when the spouse is away.  And, as usual, the kids give me no problems at all during these times.  

I also get to experiment with new meals (I like to cook, I just don’t have the time), pick up the odd kitchen doodad that looks interesting, and watch movies that I want to watch.  

But the spouse will be home in a couple of days, so I don’t have much longer to enjoy it.  I’d really like to get the house clean during this time because it’s the only time I’ll get any cooperation.

Insert deep, discontented sigh here.

A Rude Awakening

Gee, has it been a week since I wrote anything?  Well, time to jump back into it.

I wasn’t feeling well the other day.  My spouse was being helpful and offered to run out to the store to get cold medicine and stuff.  At this point in my life, I don’t care what my spouse does so I let it go. 

So I fell asleep at a relatively early hour.

I wake up to the sound of knocking on the door.  Foggily, I wonder why nobody was answering it.  I figured it was probably kind of late to be knocking even though I didn’t see what time it was.

As I approach the front door I see red and blue flashing lights reflecting off the walls and windows.  Ah, now I know what it’s about.  

I walk outside.  There are three police cars, a fire truck and an ambulance.  The garage door is open.

I stand still.  I imagine I may have looked pretty shocked, but it would have been more looks than what was going on internally.  An officer waves me over to one of the cars and asks if I can identify the person in the car.  Before I get there another officer asks if my spouse is prone to seizures.  I say, “Yes.”  I look in the back of the cruiser and see my spouse laying on the back seat, handcuffed, and having a seizure.  

They ask me questions, I give them answers.  I get told what my spouse did (speeding, evading police, and all kinds of stuff).  I get the impression that if they weren’t sending my spouse to the hospital they’d be taking my spouse to the jail.  

They keep asking me if I’m all right.  I just nod.  I think they were worried because I wasn’t showing any emotion at all; not caring, not worried about my spouses condition.

Finally they leave.  I go back into the house and notice that none of the kids were up.  They had seen the commotion and decided to go back to bed.  As did I.

I had to miss a half a day of work the next day to get my spouse out of the hospital.